INT:
A small flat in St Petersburg; faded wallpaper, mahogany furniture. Mr Dostoyevsky sits at his desk, half-way through his tea and toast, crumbs caught in his long beard, when he hears the post arrive. He rushes like an excited boy to the doormat. With trembling hands he tears open the envelopes.
_______________________Dear Fyodor,
Thank you for sending us “The Brothers Kazaromov”. Our reader found it excellent in places, but inconsistent. She liked the character of Mitya very much, but felt that Ivan and Alyosha seemed thinly developed in comparison.
I’m afraid it’s not a book for our list.
With best wishes
Fran Danklin
_________________
Dear Mr Dustoyevski,
Thank you for giving us the opportunity to consider your work.
We are very sorry to disappoint you, but unfortunately it is not right for us. We are taking on very few authors a year and only when we are 100% convinced of their potential in today’s competitive market.
Good luck with finding it a suitable home for it elsewhere.
Best wishes
Loretta Belly
______________________
Dear Fyodor Mikhaylovich,
Thank you for sending me an excerpt of your book “The Brothers Karahazov”. It seems a very literary and studied work, but I am afraid it is not for our list.
By way of constructive criticism, it is a good idea to open with an attention-grabbing scene, such as a murder, which sets the tone of the story from the start. Our reader found that too much time was spent describing a rather uneventful family gathering in a monastery.
Other than stories which describe murders, we are also looking for romantic novels geared towards ladies. Perhaps also I could suggest a non-de-plume that is more in keeping with our current list of chick-lit writers – such as ‘Jessica Reid’?
Nevertheless, I wish you every success with your future projects.
Randy Tellspoon
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Dear Theodora Dostoyevsky,
Many thanks for sending me the first chapters of your novel “The Karamozov Brothers”. It’s an inventive and gritty piece of writing but I’m sorry to say it was rather too literary for my taste and I couldn’t see it as something for the Harvill Secker list.
Thanks nevertheless for the chance to consider this and best wishes in finding a suitable house for your work.
Stewart Williamson
___________________
Dear Tosspot,
Are you a celebrity? No. Please do not send us any more of your dreary and depressing work. I do hope this marks the end of your doom-laden career.
Up your hole,
Jonathan Penguin
__________________
Mr Dostoyevsky drops the letters into a dwindling fire, wipes a tear from his cold cheek, and fills in an application form to be an accountant.
“Dear Mr Price, Mr Waterhouse, Mr Cooper…”